Broken Hearted Membership
The club you never wanted to be a part of, but now you’re here. The club you always dreaded seeing people join, but somehow you just bought yourself a membership. The broken hearted club.
Maybe you’ve been to this club before, but thought you would never set foot in it again. Or maybe it’s your first time here. Either way, you’re here and you desperately want to get out. But to break the membership fee would be too costly. Your heart can’t afford it.
I never imagined it would be my turn to enter this club. But in the blink of an eye, I’m swiping my card to get in. As I walk in, the club appears all too different than I conceptualized in my head. I’ve been to this club before, but everything feels unfamiliar. The walls are painted darker. The couches are worn down and a bit too comfortable, making it hard to get up. The windows seem bigger, but the shades are drawn. The pictures on the walls are just crooked enough to make you want to scream. And the lighting – it’s not fluorescent, thank god, but it makes everything appear strangely foreign.
But the people here. Oh the people. The rooms are filled with the most wonderful people. Wise women that have “been there before” and are full of meaningful advice. Girls here for the first time that are trying so hard to escape. And others who say those typical comments, “you deserve better” and “there’s other fish in the sea”. Walking through this club I find people who lift me up and carry me through moments of weakness. I stumble upon the “misery loves company” people, but find my way back quickly.
There’s the rooms of distraction full of See’s chocolate, wine and Netflix. I pass on by that room, but know I’ll see it later. I see women in the ‘Beyonce’ room, filled with songs to build you up. I walk past the ‘Adele’ room, but I’m not ready for that yet. There are countless rooms, with all sorts of people and things. But truthfully, I still feel alone. I find my way to the room where there’s just a mirror and nothing else. This is exactly what I know I need.
Every day I enter the club I am greeted with inspirational words, flowers and encouragement from the staff. “You are so strong.” “You can make it through this.” I hear them, but my heart doesn’t.
Each day I come back to the club because I know I must. But I know I don’t want to. I walk slowly and wistfully, but all that matters is that I get there. Most days I don’t want to go. Some days I race to the club to get it over with.
But after time passes, I stop focusing on getting to the club and I start realizing how strong I am that I’m paying for this membership. While others try to vanish out of any window they can find or make excuses to not join, I’ve joined, been present, and fully participated. I was now dedicated to being the best damn member this club has ever seen. This club was making me stronger and for the first time, I felt it in my bones. It was better than any gym membership I’ve had.
With every exercise of emotion, I became a more powerful woman. I was getting closer and closer to myself. I explored, analyzed and realized new things about myself every day at this club. And finally, I had a place to be honest. Honest with myself, my mind, and most importantly, my heart.
I’m still going to this club daily. But every morning, it seems less and less daunting. Some days the exercises are more intense and sure, I have doubts. But the more I push myself to be there and truly feel, the closer I get to my membership ending. Currently, the exit sign is far away in the distance. But oh is it bright. I think back to when I first arrived and never thought I would see that radiant and glowing exit sign.
The most beautiful part though, is that I can now see how to get out. I still have an immense amount of work to put in before I can fully leave without paying any penalty costs for breaking my membership. At least I know that with every tear shed, there’s an opportunity for happiness to come. Every scream yelled at the top of my lungs allows me to fill those lungs up with laughter in the future.
The truth in all of this is that the way to get out of the broken hearted club is to find true love again. The truest and most pure love that is – with yourself. And I couldn’t be more excited for this new love affair.